GTA 6 - Dravida Edition

Yuvipanda and Surajram started this entire stuff. Random bitching about other people bitching on boybands and girlbands. Finally it landed in GTA via michael jackson. I'm just gonna add to more ideas from this perspective.

We've all played Grand Theft Auto and many of us know how famous the GTA 4 version of the game is. Well, what if the next version of GTA was decided to have its roots in tamil nadu? What would game play be like? How would missions compare to the ones in the previous versions where you are the bad guy and do lots of stuff. Lets try and visualize some of them...

Mission #1: Rush through mount road traffic and beat the crowd and get a first day, first show ticket for Rajini padam release in Sri Brindha theatre, madhavaram

Mission #2: Gather 20000 people for a katchi meeting for least amount of money and biriyaani packets and ensure all of them clap every 2 minutes.

Mission #3: Stick aalum katchi posters in ethir katchi area sevuru without getting caught by ethir katchi area pasanga. (maatina dunguvaaru aruthuruvaanga :P)

Mission #4: Drive a two wheeler without helmet after 25th of a month in mount road under the condition that you don't get caught by mama under gemini fly-over or near the SBI, thousand lights branch.

Mission #5: Spend 30 crore rupees in 30 days. You can buy assets, accumulate wealth but only condition is you should not take auto for oor suththifying chennai (this one is tough nuts to crack!)

Mission #6: Drive thanni lorry from Jamalia to padi under the condition you wash the roads by leaking water all along, yet have enough left water so that bubleec does not find out & you dont kill people on the way by running them over.

Mission #7: Skillfully tailgate a speeding ambulance thereby skipping signals and breaking traffic rules at peak hour traffic in the city. Avoid getting crushed by other speeders tailgating you or you yourself manna kavving after getting distracted by matter padam posters on road side sevuru.

Mission #8: Avoid using any of the golden words like "o.", "the...", "poo..", "la..." when speaking with area pasanga in nochikuppam. Minimum conversation duration is about 20 seconds.

Mission #9: Eat maximum number of Bajji's by sandwiching them in between news paper and pressing to skillfully as to not to damage the bajji but extract all oil from it. (Caution: Each ML of oil will reduce life by 2%.) Then sell the left over oil for a good price in a nearby annachi kadai for funding sarakku + side dish that evening in tasmac.

Mission #10: Become a ko pa se for a political party and convince people that your thaleevar first claimed to be the indian obama and so he is definitely the indian obama.

Mission #11: Direct the maximum number of mega serials and use tears collected from thamizh makkal in prime time and store it in retteri and puzhaleri tank. De-salinate and treat the water and use that water to solve tamilnadu water crisis.

Mission #12: Collect mammool from everyone in town and divert funds recieved to all poly tasions in thamizh nadu. Distribute funds in direct proportion to measurement of pregnant pot bellys of ettu. Earn commision in this process.

Limited Edition CD Bonus Missions:

Bonus Mission #13: Build as many road side temples as possible and vasool pannify from them undiyals as much as you can. Start a TV channel with such money made through instant platform kovils.

Bonus Mission #14: Telecast useless dance programs, "manam thirandhu pesugiraar, vijay" kind of interviews, skewed news giving head count on ethir katchi thaleevars samsaaram and other mini minsaarams that he has. Use this popularity to contest and win elections or better collect nivaarana nidhi for a calamity that does not exist.

Thats it for now folks, if you have more though, please feel free to add it in the comments section.

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To babe or not to babe?!

A very interesting conversation came up today on twitter. I came across this person a few days or perhaps a week back and her blog and her work. Today morning there was a tweet from her about her work being reviewed on a website. Eagerly i went on to read the review and i found the following line in the review, well actually that was the title of the review.

"two chio Asian babes and their travels around the world"

I liked the review but then i was disappointed with the way it was named. After an exchange with another friend of mine and thinking over it, im in a situation i often am in. Confused!

The point is this. The usage of the word "babes". I think its not a necessary word to use. We are talking about a persons travel, the work he/she does and his/her contribution to society/art etc.,

Why in the world would i want to even know what gender he/she is? Its about the WORK and not about the physical attributes of the PERSON that you want to talk about. Yes, the person doing the work is equally important but then you aren't reviewing the person. You are reviewing the work? aren't you?

While in real life the women who did the travel and shot the videos may be hot chicks or as refereed to babes, its okay for a friend or a relative to refer to them both as babes for fun. Its probably okay for the men to talk behind her back when she walks around the mall or on the roads that she is a babe but for a media outlet to portray the babe in someone when reviewing their work does not sound normal to me.

I understand that babe can also be intended as a compliment and in fact in this case it might be too, i could never tell. What im not understanding is how long will we paint the woman = babe colors in our society? I find it rather a bit too stereo-typing all young attractive women. What if the woman did not create the work of art that was reviewed to be called a babe, what if she did it to be recognized as a photographer or a freelancing journalist? Is babe the word to use?

I recollect Richard Dawkins talking about feminists raising our awareness about us using male specific or male appeasing terminologies in daily life like "mankind" and "man made" when "human kind" or "human made" is perfectly acceptable and gender neutral a term.

In my personal opinion, i found the work very simplistic, to the point and very personally intimate without commercial journalism wrapped around it. I liked it.

So my question still is babe? Was babe a qualifier or babe an element of jazz that adds sparkle to the work? it don't great but if it did, why?

I would probably never know.

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Viruthu Kudthukeeraango mamey!

Ithnaala inna sollikkaradhu'nna nammalaanda vandhu, nee periya pishthu, nee sama bejaru, onnanda morchigina nee kazhatiduva ethiriyoda nijaru... nee vaangara DVD ellam vikkara edam burma bajaaru appadinnu koovi nammalaanda sokkaliya oru award'u kudthukkeraango.

Award kudtha sokkali inthamma thaan. ivango sama thool takkar madam'u. ivangalaanda friendshipp'a irundhiyaana ella thalivar padathukkum ticket ushaar panni tharauvaango, avvalo periya pulli ivango.

okay, matter'kku varuvom. What we do with this awardu? We are told we write something'u about ourselves.

Phaemilie:

We consider one and all to be family. But the jantha i share the house with is naina, aththa and my thambi who is my thuru pudicha irumbukkambi :P We keep family out of all our blog posts because we always write dangerous shit on blog which gets us lots of death threats on calls and emails. Now we don’t want the jantha at home to freak out, do we? So lets leave it at that.

Friends:

Where do i start with? I have a huge circle, i cant start counting and stop. However, there are a few precious ones. There is this post about my best friend. Then there is this one, who is the famous dilip model on flickr.

Me:

I decided to write an auto biography, so if you want to to know everything that ever happened in my life then you should start with here, here and here, that would be a great start.

My Love:

Hmm, boy likes girl. Girl shows signs, boy thinks he may get lucky. Girl marries a rich NRI that has sottai. End of story, i think this has happened so many times i even stopped keeping a count. That's pretty much it. Itha ezhuthi vera tholaikkanuma?

Likes:

Science has always fascinated me, always. Gadget freak, i blow pretty much all of my paycheck on stuff that can do cool stuff. Photography is a great turn on for the past few years, i pretty much carry the SLR bodies and lenses everywhere. I can talk, non-stop. No exaggerations on this one.

As for posts, i think i personally like these posts of mine better.

The Excuse
Immanuel is a Pundai
#5, Sankara Madam St - Chapter#1(Memoirs of Desikachari Thaaththa and Kanakavalli Paatty)

Nominations:

Whom do i nominate? My job is easier done than said. Here is the list...

Aravind Kumar a.k.a The Psuedonym - Blogger, photographer and a wonderful friend.
Srivatsan - Blogger, photographer and excellent water company. Raj Palace vaazhga!
Coconut Chutney - Awesome read, fantastic blog.
Rage & Placidity - Wonderful blog by my friend prahalaathan.

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#5, Sankara Madam St - Chapter #1 - Jason Doctor

I did a lot of things that required a doctor's visit all of the time. Of course, being physically challenged means all the more useless doctor's visits. Cerebral palsy is incurable, but that did not prevent my parents from trying. They tried real hard too. Yunani, Homeopathy, Allopathy and of course the ganapathy who resided on pavements all over the place.

Homeopathy docs did what they did, take the money and bullshit around. So did yunani. English medicine docs did some nice stuff. Made some considerable improvements to the way i walked and made my day better, however they did not predict the usual stuff that happens to cerebral palsy patients everyday and here i'm waiting for the d-day. Nevertheless, speaking of doctor's reminds me of the very first doctor i saw in life.

Our family doctor, jason. Jason was the typical christian convert. Tall, dark, handsome and smart a doctor. However what made him so special was his medicines. Not only was his injections utterly painless but his medicines had something about them. I'm fairly convinced he believed that the disease must be fought from the inside. So whatever evil is inside, if it comes outside then the problem is outside of your body too?

I should have known better. His pills were usually huge. They were like the size of a jackfruit and somehow they always were stuck in your damn throat and made you throw up. Of course, the smell of it was so horrendous, you threw up even before you swallowed one. One thing though, the moment you threw up you felt better. The only drug that he prescribed often and that i liked was betnesol. Why? Because they were small tasty tablets and chewable.

You could take them to school, swallow one in front of the kids and tell them you are sick. Every enthu pattani kids will yell to the teacher, "miss, dilip is sick miss...!!!!" and the teacher would send me to the biology lab to take rest.

I would then lie in the biology lab and peep through holes in my hands/fingers that cover my face and live in the fantasy land of science and anatomy for the rest of the day. All class bunked, excused from homework, what else would one want as a school kid?

Dr. Jason unfortunately went to the United States. I assume his excellent interaction skills and wonderful professionalism took him places. Sometimes i just wonder what would have happened to me without Dr. Jason's betnesol. Wherever you're doctor, my well wishes are with you. Anything to escape that bloody math class. Who gives a shit about least common multiplier and highest common factor? yuck!!!

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Rantaholic

Yes, that's me. It's 100% true and there is no denying it. I complain about a lot of things. I don't bullshit but i complain. The last time i checked, if you are telling the truth i find that complaining is not a criminal offense in the Indian constitution is it a problem as per the Indian Penal code.

I complain about a lot of things that a lot of Indians complain about. Bad roads, a political system that does not work, tax money not being used for what it is intended, the law and order system that hardly exists and the lethargic attitude of Indians across the nation.

Before you brand me as a country brute and someone who brings disgrace to India and not being patriotic you should listen to my point of view, or alt east that's what i assume is fair?

Statutory Warning: This post merely states facts. It is not about boasting what great things i do or what a pitiful and sorrowful life i live. Neither do i need the applause, nor the sympathy of any living grain on earth. I've been on my own and i think if i've managed to survive for the past 27 years, i think i can carry on for a few more years on my own.

Unlike other "normal" people who have the time in their hands i do not have time on my hands. I suffer from a post arthritic condition caused by a dislocated hip. In plain words this means my thigh bone may come off anytime now (it's barely clinging on to my non existing hip socket) and when that happpens, i may A. if lucky die of pain & shock or B. be bed ridden for the rest of my life and have someone wash my ass for a daily chore (which i do not opt for) and i'd rather die peacefully and have things in place to take myself out, if option B happens.

So, because my time is short i see how precious life is and how i cannot afford to fool around and waste my time. I know i have only one life. Some may disagree and talk about re-incarnation and next birth, i request such hallucinated people to stay away from me. I've already been sold that and i trashed such nonsense long ago. Back on topic, i realize that we are not going anywhere as a nation unless and until there is a radical change in our attitude. I want to see change before i die, i fear that i may not for most valid reasons.

So if i can't see and be the change, what the fuck is my life worth living for? I might rather die right now, get the point?

Every problem needs acknowledgement first that it is indeed a problem. Calling out terms like "India is a Great Country" to sound like a nice guy and be politically correct all the time and saying things like "Unity in diversity" kind of bullshit is in my personal opinion is 'Spineless'. It may help you score more marks in school and be known as the nice guy amogst the girls but it will not get our society anywhere positive a place. We have bad roads, why don't we acknowledge we have bad roads? We have democracy that does not work and a law and order situation which is skewed. We also have religious bigots who control the political situation, why know just accept facts as they are?

We know we are not "Unity in diversity" when it comes to issues of the society. Don't give me that Italian Sonia psuedo prime minister, backward class president for Prathiba patil, christian ex defence minister et all. They came to power because they had the backing of their community and the money to do it. I come from a brahmin family. Getting my folks to vote for anyone other than the "brahminic jayalalitha" would be close to impossible. I'm damn sure it is the case for every other community and family too.

Unless you complain everybody assumes that everything is fine. Unless and until stated things wont be done. This is the basis of communication, it applies to every aspect of life. Home, work, health etc., If people decided to shut up and do nothing about the schmidt memorial this would not have happened. People complained like hell and then they got tired of complaining and started to do something about it. If you are in school and you are being bullied, you either gotta speak to your teacher or you speak to your parents. If you dont communicate you better learn karate to kick your bullies ass, otherwise sit in a corner and cry and make yourself mad. That is life, simple & plain like vanilla ice cream.

Lastly, i complain because i care. Unlike most indian middle class who have the "on top of the cow urine passing" attitude i fail to take no for an answer or for that matter any excuse that is invalid. I'm okay with paying tax as long as tax money is being used for the common good. I don't stop with complaining, i act too. I work for a few things that i believe need radical change. For example, i work for transgender issues which i think needs addressing. I also work hard to address the bullshit god and religion has managed to loathe all these years and pull people out of the spiritual hallucinations that they are into all the time and make them see a little bit of reality in life.

When i take the pains to book a ticket in a train i fail to accept "please adjust" as an excuse in a reserved compartment. I fail to understand why i need to pay Rs. 100 to the guy who pushes my wheel chair in the airport everytime i come from overseas, when he is already paid to do the job. I fail to understand why i need to bribe someone to do their duty. Usually i find bribe as something to make someone do illegal or something that they are not supposed to do but only in my country do i see bribe as a means to get legal things done.

I feel responsible that im also a direct cause of all the problems. If i fail to acknowledge, if i fail to revolt, if i fail to speak against, if i fail to COMPLAIN then things will not change. Had we not complained when the british were ruling our ass we would still be a british colony. We complained and we never stopped which is why we are "India" now.

So the next time someone complains how shitty things are around them there are only two things you need to look out for.

1. Is there fact/truth in the complaint
2. Is there a validity in complaining, can influence and we at all make a difference.

So here is my 2 cents, i encourage all indians to complain, if possible go get a Ph.D on complaining and do it the expert way.

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A day in Daksha's Life

Daksha is my best'est friend. Let me introduce you to a wonderful day, a typical hour to minute affair in her wonderful life...

NOTE: Please view all links found here to get the complete picture.

0630: Daksha wakes up and finds fly on the Sevuru of her bedroom. She takes a pic of it. Fly does not fly away and Daksha yells "yay" in excitement. Unfortunately she has not brushed (in 4 days) and fly falls dead on the floor instantaneously. Neighboring fly was admitted as trauma case and is still fighting for its life in ICU.

0730: Daksha goes to shower but finds it too cumbersome so douzes off some more spinz deo on herself and says "there is always tomorrow and there is always hope for those who believe".

0830: Daksha is driving on the road and paper flowers and firangipani are on the road. She takes a pic of paper flowers and uploads it to flickr and names it "Chintha Poovu" and the Frangipani upload as "Bentha Poovu" in her mind. :D

1030: Daksha pings people on google chat "ooi, enna pannara" (which is usually the unfortunate me) and regardless of the reply you give her response is "im bored!!!". Any further conversation will result in a response "Hmmm.." from her. (hmm.. idhukkaaga naanga enna cabre dance'a ada mudiyum ivanga office'kku vandhu). She finally uploads a pic called "bored" and kills her boredom, phew.. thappichchomda sami.

1230: "ooi enna pannare" continues one more time again and i say "im goin out for lunch" and she again responds "im bored"... to which i standardly respond "wanna join me for lunch?" to which she sighs, "sir will not allow..."

0230: Daksha pings me on gmail chat again and ironically asks "are you jobless? you are always on chat all the time?" to which i respond "i work from home"... daksha does not agree... she wins... im certified jobless.. sattire is an aspect of life, i understand that much.. and so can you never win arguing with women, which is also a universal truth :-(

0330: Daksha teaches her flickr audience some arithmetic. She uploads this

0530: Daksha leaves for home, she stops by the road again to take pics of flowers but she runs over the flower she took a pic of in the morning with her car and kills it. She takes a pic of the dead flower, uploads to flickr and calls it "sithu boolnu" and sudhamshu is happy he can get that tulu part of it finally!

0630: SMS from daksha "u wrote that stupid blog about me you idiot! next time i see you i will slap you!!!"

0635: Dilip turns off comp and cell phone and hides under the sheets and prays for dear life, yeah right! :D

 

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#5, Sankara Madam St - Chapter #1

Memoirs of Desikachari Thaaththa and Kanakavalli Paatty

Continuing off the last post i start the story of my life with the first chapter.

As vaguely as i remember, my kollu paatty considered me as a re-incarnation of kollu thaaththa. Why? because i was born on the same thidhi as his thavasam comes, same natchathram and of course it seems apparently i had a line on my forehead like a thirunaamam that kollu thaththa would wear. Desikachari thaatha was my fathers, grandfather. His wife died and he re-married my kollu patty who did not have any kids with him. Possibly why kanakavalli paatty considered me to be more like her son than a grandson.

Desikachari thaththa was notoriously famous for his temper and arrogance and charisma, so was i, doubting the charisma part alone. I've never seen kollu thaththa but only kollu paatty. I've been told stories about kollu thaththa so much by family members i dont miss not seeing him, i have his picture and every event engraved in the form of stories in my mind for eternity. I was told how rich a family we were and the palace like house we owned in sabapathi street next to sembithamman kovil, before we sold it to marry out aunt's. Thaaththa owned a bus service in ooty and our family people would arrogantly get on it and not buy a ticket and quarrel with the bus conductor. After 30 minutes of hassling they would reveal they were "owners" of the transport company to make the conductor pee his pants and salute adchify with a "saari saaar!" dialogue.

I was also told how thaatha knew every mesthiri and carpenter in town and addressed them derogatorily as "sudran" and called them as "dei thevdiya maa, inga va da, idha pannu da" kind of authority and they would tremble in fear at kollu thaaththa. I was also told after all the work done how kollu thaaththa would give the mesthiri or the carpenter twice the money he asked for or deserved, also buy him tiffin and tea/coffee from a nearby iyengar's hotel. I was told how big a turban kollu thaaththa wore and how he was 7 foot tall and commanded respect from every person on the street and folks hushed "periya iyer'u varaaru" and wished him good morning/afternoon/evening when he walked by. He always walked, he never drove a vehicle and he always used the bus, railways and tram.

Kollu paatty considered me to be her world, probably. She could not call me 'Dilip' and she called me 'dilli' which sounded more like 'delhi' with a i instead of the e. She was very aachaaram and cooked for herself in her small kitchen and room dedicated to her which had a separate door too perpendicular to the main entrance door. She would ask me every morning which i distinctly remember "dilli, enna da samayal pannattum?" and i would blurt off random things from my cherished desires and i would have it in front of me in flat 60 minutes. Kollu patties thaval adai's were an extacy. I swallow a lump down the throat as i think of her, she really made life so much worth living for and how a kid i was and never realized what i had in life. Of course, for evening tiffin again i would command "poori", "chappathi", "dosai" and every possible permutation and combination and i would have it. My brothers plea and my cousin (my widowed aunt's son who lived with us) would sometimes try to intervene and ask for stuff but they never made the promised land to the best of my knowledge.

Finally, i distinctly remember this. All 3 of us, after every nights meal would go to kollu paatty and i was always first to be served in the line. Paatty would have a huge, yellow colour green leave's designed "Dabur Chavanyaprash" bottle. She would take some ayurvedic white powder which tastes like menthol. This powder she purchased for herself and just for me. It was some sort of protien or immunity booster or whatever. My bro and cousin got just the teaspoonful of chavanyaprash while i got the nice tasting powder along with it too and vayathu yerichchala kottified for the other two, every day.

Kanakavalli paaty also had a wonderful bench cum bed which was cool to lay down on. After her demise this was used by the kids in the house as a place to sit and study. Kanakavalli paatty is no more, the house is no more. Dabur chavanyaprash brings them back to life for a brief few seconds every time i see one.

 

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